Holly does GOOP (kind of…)

Hello Children,

I’m so glad you could join us today.

I just made myself sick on a ridiculously large easter egg (#thankswayne), so naturally I’m now lying in bed Googling GOOP Detoxes.

In just 15 days I’ll be eating my way around America and I’ll probably come back to Australia with diabetes. So, In the terrible all or nothing attitude to dieting so popular with our generations, I will embark on the Pre-Holiday GOOP Detox.

I’m not a millionaire, an insane person or a shut in – so I do wonder if a normal person with work and a social life (yes, believe it) can do this detox. I’m going to tweak it a bit so I can continue to live my life outside of a macrobiotic bubble.

Here’s an overview from the website. 

THE MENU

Big no-no’s: gluten, dairy, processed sugar, and alcohol.

That’s okay, I can work with this.

giphy

DAY 1-7

First Thing: Lemon Water – got this in the bag. NEXT!


Breakfast: Breakfast Shake.

Gwen explains here, “Shakes amplify the effects of a cleanse by helping to “rest” the digestive system.”

They’re all pretty specific and you can read all the recipes here. 

First up, let’s not call it a shake. I don’t want to lie to myself every morning and you really can’t polish a turd.. even if it’s garnished with Kale. They will be called breakfast Health Smoothies, so I know they’ll taste terrible straight off.

Gwen tries to tell you there are cinnamon rolls as a breakfast option. They aren’t cinnamon rolls, I checked. I don’t know what they are, but they are not cinnamon rolls.


Lunch: Clean Salad

G-Money explains:

“For lunch, you will have a meal made with whole foods from the cleanse diet that excludes the four main toxic triggers, gluten, dairy, processed sugar, and alcohol.”

I’m really big on those Fry’s vegetarian hot dogs at the moment and also snickers… but in an attempt to do this properly I will stop eating them and replace them with quinoa or lentils or whatever.


Snack: Rice Cake with Hummus.

Gwen’s wisdom on snacks: “before you start grabbing snacks, even if they are clean, check in with yourself and make sure that what you’re feeling is true hunger.”

The detox allows fruit, hummus, guacamole with veggies, raw nut butter on some apple slices, a quick soup, hardboiled eggs, juice or a Snickers.

HAHA THERE’S NO SNICKERS, I GOT YOU! … but really I just got myself, because that’s really sad.


Dinner: Clean and light

“We recommend you have a soup and salad, an entree-sized salad, or a shake for your evening meal”

That’s intense. I mean I’ll try it… but.. I just…

woah

Also, WHAT? It only goes for 7 days? What is this? A GOOP detox for for ants? DO YOU EVEN GOOP?

Needless to say that this should be a walk in the park.

I mean there’s not coffee.. no Coke Zero… no Snickers.. or toast… or cheese… but…. I assume after it I’ll be immortal so it will all be worth it.

Also the amazing, perfect, bronzed goddess known as Alison just gave up coffee and she is my inspiration, because her addiction was very real.

Have you done this detox successfully and are both alive and still legally allowed to use the Internet after being admitted to a mental institution? Please give me tips.

Bye, Felicia!

About Hol Roy (53 Articles)
Feminsit pop culture addict, writing about feminist pop culture.

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